So I keep thinking I’ve turned a corner. Today will be better, or maybe tomorrow, and sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes is worse.
I hate wallowing, and am not generally a wallower, more of a get up and get on with it sort of person, which is probably why I am finding it so difficult to get to grips with the fact that I simply can’t get on with it.. its just too hard.
I make a plan, of what I’m going to achieve that day, of how I’m going to do it. Of how I’m going to be positive and turn that corner, then from the moment I try to get out (or rather crawl out!) of bed begins the struggle and carrying out the most mundane normal everyday to day tasks. I have no motivation, no desire to accomplish anything. I am literally forcing myself to be social, to see friends, to try and have fun, when really, I want is to close the door, see no-one, speak to no-one.
I wasn’t coping, or at least I didn’t feel I was, I was hearing from many about how amazing I was dealing with everything, but I knew on the inside and on the outside (just when no-one could see) I was crumbling. So I took the plunge and went to the Doctor. A short discussion later, lots of tears and tissues and I came away with a prescription to increase my anxiety meds, a number for bereavement counselling and a hope that with the increase in my meds I would start to feel some sort of level of control again.
And I do, 10 days in to the new dosage and I am more in control – most days. Thats not to say I’m all ok, I’m far from it, but I am functioning more evenly on a day to day basis. I am not so constantly overwhelmed by my sadness that I can’t function. I still cry (usually in the car as its the only time I’m on my own and don’t have to subject anyone else to my breakdowns). Note to self.. really must remember to check makeup after car journeys – arrived a number of places to catch myself in the mirror with panda eyes and streaky cheeks!
Corners I’ve turned this week:
Today, I actually managed to get myself to call the bereavement counselling service, so now waiting for an appointment ( probably about a month or so)
Yesterday I managed to get to the gym (today, I did not, but I did manage to eat half a tub of Ben and Jerry’s – perhaps I turned more of a bend than a corner today??)
Last night when to a local amateur production of Little Shop of Horrors – great show and only cried when I was in the car home – more because my first impulse was to tell mum about it and I couldn’t
Today – sorted my office – over the past month or so I’ve just piled things higher and higher on my desk, just not having the wherewith all to deal with anything.
These might all seem insignificant, minor achievements, but for me at the moment, they all feel pretty major.
Every day a new corner to turn, hoping they will lead to a more even, straight path forward to my new kind of normal.